I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
