bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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