There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
