I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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