I cannot find my penis.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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