you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
