Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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