Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
