the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
i believe in u and ur pee
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
