Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
They took my balls.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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