something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I can't turn off my feet"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
