I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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