What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
