Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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