That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
