He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
