Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I have fence marks all over my body
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
