After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
