So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
