He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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