Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
