Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
