Christians are straight up FREAKS
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Mom said you looked used
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
