So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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