Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
