I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
