She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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