U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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