well you can't waste a boner
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
