Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
