i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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