Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
