No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
