Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Randomize
