In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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