im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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