I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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