i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Randomize
