Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
