I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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