You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
