Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
