yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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