Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
