You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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