she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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