last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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