This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
