Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
