I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
